Blogmas Day 13: Keeping It Real

My original plan for Monday’s Blogmas post was to write a guide on “how to stay on track over the holidays”, but since I’ve been really struggling with that lately, I thought it’d be a bit too ridiculous to tell others how to do it when I can’t even do it myself. So instead of pretending that I have everything figured out, I’m going to keep it real with you guys. And to really bring my point home, this post is about two days and a few hours late.

I’m just going to come right out and say it: I’m overwhelmed. I feel extremely close to a mental breakdown every single day, and I’ve been feeling like that for about a week now.  I honestly don’t know how much more of this I can take. Trying to stay on top of blogging (Blogmas in particular), while also getting all my work for uni done and still having some spare time and a social life is not really working out for me at the moment. I honestly have no idea how people with much busier lives do it. Please, teach me your ways. I’m desperate.

Obviously I know that uni has priority, always. But on the other hand, blogging is something I really love to do and I don’t want to have to give it up or not do it properly just because I have other obligations. Even though, obviously, those obligations are more important. Although I guess that importance is subjective in a way, because yes, for uni it’s important that I get good grades if I want to graduate. Which is obviously something that I want. But blogging is also something that I want and that is important to me. So I guess I’m kinda struggling with where to draw the line? How does blogging weigh up to uni work? Rationally speaking, uni should 100% be top priority at all times. But I’m not just a rational being, I have emotions and wants and desires and needs and all that jazz. So the logical aspect of, you know, putting uni first doesn’t always make sense when you look at it from an emotional perspective.

The situation that is currently getting me so stressed out is a group assignment that is due on Monday the 18th of December, and at the same time I was also trying to do Blogmas and stick to it. Which I have obviously now failed. We’ve known about this assignment literally since the very beginning of the academic year, but as typical students we obviously procrastinated until we’re now at a point where I don’t even know if we’ll be able to actually finish the assignment on time. That is completely our own fault, I know, we should’ve started working on it a lot sooner – but that’s done now. We can’t. We can’t go back in time and undo that, so now we’re stuck with this overwhelming stress and it’s honestly becoming too much. Especially because I don’t feel comfortable working with my assignment partner.

Don’t get me wrong here: he’s not some creep that’s doing inappropriate stuff or anything like that. He’s just very stubborn. And everything has to be done his way. He’s also very much a last-minute person, which I guess I am as well to a certain extent because we’ve both waited until now to start the assignment, but he’s taking it to the extreme. Right now, I’m in the mindset of: I need to work on this as fast and as much as possible. And I’m someone that gets most of the work done in the morning, or the early afternoon. He’s the complete opposite. I’m guessing he’s usually in bed until about 11, and he’ll probably start working for uni in the early evening and then continue until 3 or 4am. That is very inconvenient, for both of us. Because when I send him a message in the morning, he usually takes a few hours to reply and by that time my window of productivity is basically already over. He’s not the only at fault here, though, because I’ve also responded to his messages quite late because I didn’t see it right away or because I was out doing stuff. And of course I get it, you can’t be at your phone 24/7 and everyone has different stuff they need to do. But what bothers me is that he seems to expect that I drop everything else as soon as he has time to work on the assignment. If I told him right now that I also have a blog to run, his reaction would probably be: “who cares? we need to work on this assignment now!” It’s not just the blog, though, I also had other deadlines this week for classes he is not in. I can’t put my sole focus on this one group assignment. That’s just not something he nor anyone else can expect of me. Of course I’m going to put in the work and do my best to get it done on time, but I’m not going to stop doing other things or working for other classes.

And then we come to the real core of the issue: he is the type of person (and I know this from experience because I’ve worked with him on an assignment before) that doesn’t mind working until literally hours before the deadline, not getting any sleep and just getting it done. But that’s not me. In my ideal world, we finish this assignment either before or on Friday and then we’re done. We have to give a presentation about this assignment on Monday morning, so I want to be well-rested for that and I also want to spend the weekend preparing for that presentation. And the fact that I know he is probably going to leave at least some things until the actual very last minute, is what’s stressing me out the most. I’ve been working on the assignment today, and I really do believe it would be possible to finish it completely by Friday. But I don’t know what stage he is at. And, in all honesty, I’d be fine if we finished it on Saturday, I just don’t want to spend my Sunday evening worrying about whether or not it’ll all get done in time.

To make matters worse, I’m now being attacked for a Tweet I sent out Monday morning when he went home sick while we were actually supposed to work on the assignment. So yes, I Tweeted something in frustration, his girlfriend saw it this morning and responded in what I thought was a pretty unfair way. So then I responded to that, and now he’s just sent me a message basically attacking me for the Tweet and not even responding to earlier messages I’d sent about the assignment. Which is, in my opinion, the most important part of this whole situation. I’m literally sitting here in tears, wondering if I should just send an e-mail to the professor and tell her I’m doing the assignment on my own because I honestly can’t deal with this right now. Why are these people getting so worked up about a single Tweet that isn’t even that bad. I’m fucking shaking with anger and frustration. This literally just happened as I was typing out this post, so I’m sorry if this part is especially rambly and incoherent.

I didn’t want this post to turn into some rant about my assignment partner. We’re obviously both at fault here. We both should’ve started this assignment earlier. But our personalities and the way we work on assignments are clashing in a huge way, and I’m sure that’s the same for him. He’s probably just as frustrated about me and my way of working right now. And that’s okay. Sometimes people just can’t work together. It just sucks, because right now we have to.

To top it all off, I spent a whopping 9 hours at uni on Monday and then it had also snowed so getting home took a really long time and I just couldn’t muster up the energy to type out a Blogmas post. And I know that I’m putting that stress of Blogmas on myself. It’s not something anyone is expecting me to do, or pushing me to do, but it’s something I wanted to achieve and the fact that I failed is really getting me down. Even if the reason for why I failed is somewhat out of my control.

So no, there aren’t any pictures for this blog post and it’s not festive and probably not that well-written because I didn’t plan it out and I just wrote whatever came to mind. But it’s real. It’s me. It’s how I’m feeling and what I’m dealing with right now. And if we’re talking about the spirit of Christmas, then I feel like opening up and sharing your thoughts and emotions with people is also very much a part of that. So please excuse the lack of Blogmas posts the last two days, and please forgive me if I miss any more posts. I’m trying my hardest, but right now it’s not always enough. In all honesty, I might delete this post later on but I just wanted to get it all off my chest. And thank you, if you managed to get all the way to the end.

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